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Why Mama Can’t Have Nice Things…

Revelation of the day: I better just stick to sustaining human life around here…because my plant game is not so strong (thanks to the littlest ninja who plucked off ALL.THE.LEAVES in her spare time). ? #ninjamamadiaries #ninjaplease #momlife #imomsohard #sadsucculent#thisiswhywecanthavenicethings #wineme

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So Fresh and So Clean

Oh, you don’t have to wash your windows because they just stay clean by themselves? Yeah, me too…. #ninjamamadiaries #ninjasplease #momlife #imomsohard#sofreshandsoclean


A Toy to Zap my Joy

On the surface, it was a nice gesture…a stranger gifting the toy to my young son. I’ll admit- I got a bit nostalgic. When I saw her bring it out of the back bedroom, I was immediately transported back to 1983. I was a preschooler who loved spending time at my grandparents’ house. There, I… Read more »

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Take a Load Off…

I took a load off (sat on the couch for more than five minutes for the first time in five years)…and someone else rewarded me by taking a load off, too. ? #ninjaplease #ninjamamadiaries #ninjanainteasy #imomsohard#takealoadoff #momlife #parentingfail #iwillneverrestagain#activateOCDcleaningmode  

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I heard it through the grapevine..

That glorious moment when you pick up what look to be raisins from the floor…because little ninja JUST asked you for a handful. But in fact, you quickly discover those aren’t raisins, kids. They are tiny pieces of POO….That. Just. Happened. ? ‪#‎isitbedtimeyet‬ ‪#‎wineme‬ ‪#‎ninjamamadiaries‬ ‪#‎ninjasplease‬ ‪#‎momlife‬‪#‎imomsohard‬

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Eau de Poo…

You latch everybody into their carseats, but you can’t shake the smell of poop. You meticulously scrutinize the bottoms of everyone’s shoes. Clean. It couldn’t be anyone’s pants because everyone just used the bathroom before you left the house. ? You chalk it up to the stool samples you’re hauling around in your purse. (Yeah,… Read more »

The Fighting Cock

The Ruthless Rooster

The rooster and I…we’ve had some intense moments together since he joined our farm.
Most recently, the intensity grew to such levels that I may have wielded a pick axe and threw it at him…briefly hoping to somehow victoriously decapitate his cocky spirit. AND his physical body. But really, I promise…I’m not a violent person.

Hair gel

Hair Gel and High Heels

For what feels like the 99th time this week, I’ve caught her raiding the hair gel pot. And today. Well, the results were simply too magnificent not to share. Her masterpiece is like a cross between ‘Something About Mary’ and ‘Ace Ventura’.

Parenting is ‘Logs’ of fun…

  My heart seriously stopped when I glanced in the den. Were those turds all over my floor? Let me explain why I immediately jumped to this conclusion. Lately, baby ninja has made it a habit of removing her pants AT LEAST five times per day..what the?!! I crept closer and closer, preparing myself for the stench…and then it… Read more »

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‘So fresh and so clean!’

When you’re wrestling an 85-pound bulldog into her first ever shower experience (don’t ask how the tub option went), worrying about what your toddler can destroy unattended suddenly ceases to be important. Little did I know, we would both ending up being so fresh and so clean, clean by the end.

  • Let me “axe” you a question…

    Not gonna lie- I snorted a little when the ninja and I were reading his letter book for the week. I’m quite certain this book author and I are grammar soul mates (if there is such a thing?!)! Thank you for teaching preschoolers everywhere that there is a difference between ‘ask’ and ‘axe’. Start ’em… Read more »

  • I’m Not That Pinterest-ing…

    I have never cared much about the Halloween craziness. Then, ninja boy started preschool. Now, there are parties and gift bags and costumes. Blech. I must admit, I’m not very ‘Pinterest-ing’. Oh yes, I have thousands of pins on multiple boards, but no real plan for making any of them a reality. I just like… Read more »

  • Five things

    Five things you should know about the eclectic display of junk I just excavated from my purse: 1) my little clan has been sick for SIX weeks…the dinosaurs came from multiple doctor visits, and my ninjas now think cough drops are candy. 2) I rekindled my love for Mike & Ike’s while on a sick-mama-don’t-care… Read more »

  • My Nemesis

    ‘When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!’ Isn’t that the old adage? LEMONS= it was too quiet in the den. Which is always suspect…I wandered in to find baby ninja shrieking in delight as she ran toward me. Then I saw it: a pile of finely shredded styrofoam balls all over the carpet. My nemesis;… Read more »

  • Why I will never wear a skirt. AGAIN.

    The idea itself was noble…I think. I’ve got family in town, so why not leave little ninja at home and squeeze in some mother/son bonding time by attending a birthday party together? What could possibly go wrong in a fast- food restaurant play area? I only have one ninja to wrangle, right? WRONG. Kids are a… Read more »

  • Oh, the places you’ll go….pee

    Apparently, it’s now trendy to pee anywhere BUT in the toilet. Listen up, pre-schoolers. If you really want to confuse your Mama AND displace blame on everyone else, try peeing in these key locations: 1) by the laundry room door where your sweet puppy naps (Her response: “Naughty dog- out you go!”) 2) by the washer (Not once.TWICE) Her response:… Read more »

  • My Breaking Point

    It’s 3 p.m. and I’m eating rice krispie treats straight out of the bowl. I tell myself that I made them for my ninjas, who both willed themselves NOT to nap today, but that’s a lie. Want the truth? It’s the only decent cheat food I could come up with on short notice. Ice cream takes too dang long to thaw (this is an EMERGENCY!), and there’s no good alcohol in the house. If you must know, I purposely did NOT buy wine last week. Because I knew if I had, I would be drinking it. Right. Now. Straight from the bottle.

  • The Ninja Mama Rules of Diapering

    What to do when your nine-month-old makes the likes of a snow angel every time you change her diaper? Pin down her little legs gently with your heavy milk jugs aka chest. Sing itsy bitsy spider calmly while gazing into her eyes and simultaneously pulling on the diaper tabs. Block those windmill arms with your… Read more »

  • Jehovah, move ova.

    Today was going great. Until the Jehovah club showed up at our house. Now don’t get me wrong- I admire their conviction. Greatly. But I just don’t feel like getting into religious discussions with random strangers. Anywho, I was optimistic, because hermits like me think ahead for events such as this. The shades were down,… Read more »

  • Toddler IL-logic

    Why do I consistently attempt to rationalize with my toddler? You would think I had realized by now that it just doesn’t work. My morning as I washed dishes, went like this: NB: “Watch Curious George?” ME: “Yes, baby, after you finish breakfast.” Small tantrum ensues and now in a whinier version than before: NB:… Read more »